This paper was a little bit of stress for me. This is because it was a little bit of a surprise on Friday when you told us a paper was due three days from then on Monday. To add on top of this friday night I was sitting down and I dropped my laptop. The screen broke. So I was in a situation where I had to find a computer to type on. Also I really wasn't confident in understanding what the actual assignment was. In the end though I believe I did an ok job. Nothing Fantastic, but I got the work done.
With just reading the first paragraph I feel like this draft is terrible. The Paper is not formatted correctly containing no heading or even a page number. The first paragraph is all of barely more then a line of the page. This line is just a piece of circular logic that I can not see heading anywhere. This is not an introduction to anything. This should be expanded.
My next rhetorical move will be to try and include more metaphors in my writing. At the moment I feel like it is just a lot of questioning and facts. If I include more metaphors it might be easier to understand what I am trying to get across. I also might bring the idea in my introductory paragraph full circle into the end of my essay.
I think it is great that you can recognize the flaws in your paper and so quickly and concretely improve it. I often find rhetorical questions to be useful in writing, but not to the point where there is nothing else. Your previous metaphors about home are so strong and solid - you should incorporate them, or at least channel the same metaphoric creativity.
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